This blog is for all the men who don’t understand why women don’t just speak directly and ask for what they want.
I aim to simplify the complexities of the female communication system to help you understand why we don’t say what we mean. While reading this, I want you to breathe and just calm the inner child screaming – this is not fair and makes no sense and allow the king within you to rise and hear this message.
Here we go – remember to breathe.
‘I am so confused’ is something I hear men tell me all the time.
‘Well, she said she wanted space. So I walked away and gave her space.’
‘Then she screamed at me for walking away! I can’t win!’.
Well, I am about to reveal why and what you should do.
Women don’t say what we mean but feel what we mean.
I know this makes no logical sense, and you are right. It doesn’t. If a man said, ‘I need space.’ That is exactly what he needs, right? Logical.
The first thing you need to understand is that men and women have different currencies regarding love and how they communicate their needs.
They have a completely different operating system. Men base their communication and decisions on facts and constantly look for the facts when they are listening to establish the problem and solve the facts. Job done. The whole point of communication is to solve the problem. Right?
That is entirely correct for men, but it is not for women. When you can stop expecting your woman to communicate like a man – through facts, that is when you start to understand her needs, then establish the facts and solve her problem, not the one you think it is. It’s like going on her journey and you taking the road you decide based on what you perceive to be the place she wants to go and then wondering why she is pissed when you get there, and it is not the place she wants or the route she would have taken. You then wind up very confused because she said that is where she wanted to go! Fact!
Let me reveal why
Her currency is feelings, not facts.
She may say something but feels something very different. So your next question is, how do you know what she wants then?
If she says space, what does that mean?
Doesn’t she want space?
Well, precisely that.
Go beyond the words.
Switch your man brain to neutral and listen for the feelings.
You access this information through your eyes and heart.
What I mean is you take a breath and look into her eyes.
You put your hand on your heart, turn your ears off and feel.
Connect with your gut instinct – this is very difficult when you feel attacked. It takes courage and practice. Hence the breath! It takes you from your head to your heart. Helpless to her hero.
If you can go beyond your feelings and tap into hers, three things happen:
- You grow in your emotional intelligence
- You get on her path and are much closer to solving her problem.
- She can’t resist a man who can feel her and see beyond her words. You will become a hero to her.
See, the truth is if she is screaming or silent or distant, these are all signs of a fight, freeze or flee. These are automatic human responses to what?
You guessed it, FEAR.
She is scared.
We develop fears from our thoughts from the past, childhood and experiences. She has likely triggered a thought process that has caused her to be scared. She thinks of something outside of her. However, the truth is the fight is within herself. It’s her battle with her thoughts that she can reason through in a calm state. But in this fear state, she can’t. Let me give you an example: my childhood was domestic violence. My first childhood memories are of my mum’s blood on the walls. My dad’s raised voice to me meant danger. Then, I associated any man’s raised voice as danger. So when my husband raised his voice, I assumed danger and went into protection mode.
The truth, the facts, is that my husband raised his voice when he was passionate, not when he would attack. So the story and meaning that created neurological wiring in my body were set from my father. It was hard-wired over and over again with years of my childhood. Of course, this is an extreme example, but for many women and men, the story can be as simple as your mother or father shouting at you one day for running into the road and trying to keep you safe. But at that moment, you decided that shouting is dangerous and hard-wired in your nervous system.
When we are unaware of this wiring, it can control and trigger us in adulthood and let’s face it, with a 50% divorce rate, most of us don’t have great examples of what a great relationship looks like.
Ok, so let’s get back to how to fix this problem of knowing what to do when she says one thing and feels another:
- Know she is scared- the battling within her, and she probably doesn’t know it.
- Remember, she is not a man – different currency feelings, not facts.
- Think – What is she feeling? And trust your gut.
This is how you go from hitman to her hero. Know that if you can be her rock and not think but feel into what your gut is guiding you to do, you will solve her problem and become her hero!