Warning: This article is going to trigger the hell out of a lot of you.
I don’t apologize for this, why? Because I know that it is in discomfort that we grow. I am actually grateful if you are one of the people that gets triggered and here is why.
If the information I am about to deliver triggers you, it means you have sat in comfort for so long that it is painful. You have done the ‘right’ thing by everyone else for so long that you are starting to recognize ‘the loss of you’. When we start to grieve the loss of oneself in a relationship it is the most painful feeling, your heart is being torn apart.
We are literally asking our hearts to choose between them and ourselves.
For many men that find themselves in these situations, often in relationships, it is one of the most common things men say to me when they start working with me.
‘I lost myself in my last relationship and it hurt so much and took so long to repair that I don’t ever want to put myself in that position again!.’
The problem with that, is you never heal the broken heart and so every time you feel you are choosing them over you or going against your gut instinct the wound opens up again.
This then affects your productivity – a phenomenon I like to call ‘The heart drainer.’ To understand this more please click here.
I want to come back to the gut instinct – and why we go against it. I often hear men refer to it as gut instinct and women as feminine intuition.
Either way, what I am referring to is the little voice, the whisper that says, ’Don’t do it, you will regret it!’ Or ‘Say no!’ Even though saying no will cause a challenge, you know it’s what’s best for all! These little voices that we ignore, the whispers, I can guarantee are the times when you live through your most painful and biggest regrets. It’s like a short-term gain for long-term pain.
Ok, so I want to address why this happens. Why in long-term relationships you ‘lose yourself.’ It is all to do with the imbalance of your masculine and feminine energy.
What’s that I hear you say?
Well, I could write a book on this itself! (and maybe that is my 4th book after I have finished writing my third).
In brief, there are certain principles we need to establish before I describe the energies.
The principles of the masculine and feminine energies are:
- They are not gender specific – ie. we all have both.
- There is no one size, perfect balance for all!
- If your balance is off, it will impact all aspects of your life – relationships, work, health, and life.
- When your balance is right you magnetize your perfect intimate partner.
- Achieving the balance feels like absolute alignment and bliss! It is the secret sauce to happiness.
- You need polarity for there to be passion and intimacy in your relationship.
Ok, so now I have you interested. The table below gives you the highlights
Masculine
- Doing energy
- Action taking
- Lean forward
- Giving
- Taking no charge
- Making decisions
Feminine
- Being energy
- Going with the flow
- Leaning inwards
- Receiving
- Allowing to be lead
- Being guided rather than making decisions
The aim of the game is to:
- Master the art of understanding your natural balance within you.
- Then observe how your beloved or, if you are single are responding to you. If it is positive then they are the one and if not then – next!
- Maintain your balance even when it seems your beloved is testing you. AKA, don’t be a pleaser and go against your gut instinct.
I am now going to explain why men lose themselves in their long-term relationships and are one of the biggest causes for breakups.
Start with being in their healthy masculine energy, where they are making the decisions and leading. The woman loves it, feels safe, and stays in her feminine happy to be led. This is the honeymoon stage or spring.
Then we move to summer, everything is flowering, the relationship is growing – you both are starting to get to know each other. The time when you live together, get married, and start thinking of having children. Still a balance of polarity. – ie. sex is great.
Autumn/fall comes along, this is when you have been together about 7-10 years, probably have children together and you are working 24/7 to build the business because of the increased responsibility of feeding babies’ mouths.
Now, I know some of the ladies will be saying ‘well I work and provide’. It is not about the physical money but an innate biological thing in men to provide like we have one to have children. In this season the man works and the woman stays and manages the home. She feels disconnected from him and starts to feel unprotected and rises to protect her baby. Now, remember protection is a masculine trait – she starts to make all the decisions and suddenly you find you are both arguing. Here is why, one word – depolarisation!
You are in your masculine and she is in her masculine. Resulting in the following:
- No intimacy – feeling like living with a roommate
Fights over stupid shit - Feeling controlled and trapped
Nothing is good enough - You start to prefer to be at work rather than at home
This can go on for years and years and years!
The final season is winter when the man becomes exhausted with the fight and his desire to keep her happy and polarised passion overrides his gut instinct. I often hear my clients say:
‘It’s not worth the fight!’
‘Whatever you want dear!’
And you will hear the wife say:
‘Why aren’t you man enough! ‘
‘Just make a decision!’
This is when he becomes the pleaser and gives her what she asked for rather than what she needs. He dropped into his inauthentic feminine and boom – polarisation!
The intimacy is back but it is like scratch and itch kinda sex. Satisfying but very boring.
In this season if the energies aren’t understood or addressed then the relationship will enter into the 3 S’ and is basically over. Do you want to know more? Click here.
However, there is hope and the same relationships can enter spring again as long as authentic polarity is reached. This is achieved by following my heart model which is:
Honest – speak your truth
Education – understand how to achieve your authentic masculine and feminine
Articulate – talk and communicate with your beloved
Resolve – draw a line in the sand, forgive and move on, let go of the past.
Test – test or try new things.
And this my friends is why, what and how you avoid losing yourself in your relationship.