I am writing this blog because I confess I was a serious tantrum thrower. I would sulk and scream and have even been known to throw things, in what looked like anger. To an inexperienced man, this would come across as just that. Well let’s face it it would be for most people including myself until I realized what I am about to share in this blog. Wait for it…
It is not anger!
I know it’s so hard to believe especially when you are on the receiving end of this immature behavior. I use the word ‘immature’ not to trigger but in the true definition of the word. Underdeveloped, childlike, inexperienced.
See, the truth is if she is screaming or silent or distant these are all signs of fight, freeze or flee. These are instinctive human responses to what?
You guessed it FEAR.
She is scared. Scared of what you may be asking?
Well, we develop fears from our own thoughts from the past, childhood experiences. It is highly likely that she has triggered a thought process that has caused her to be scared, she thinks of something outside of her. But the truth is the fight is within herself. It’s her own battle with her own thoughts that in a calm state she would be able to think rationally through. But in this fear state, she can’t.
Let me give you an example: my childhood was that of domestic violence. My first childhood memories are of my mum’s blood on the walls. My dad’s raised voice to me meant danger. I then associated any man’s raised voice as danger. So when my husband raised his voice I assumed danger and went into protection mode.
The truth is he raised his voice when he was passionate not when he was going to attack. So the story and meaning that created neurological wiring in my body was set. It was hard-wired over and over again with years of my childhood. Now, this is an extreme example but for many women and men, the story can be as simple as your mother or father shouting at you one day for running into the road and trying to keep you safe. But at that moment you decided that shouting is dangerous and hard-wired it into your nervous system.
The problem is when we are unaware of this wiring it can control and trigger us in adulthood and let’s face it with a 50% divorce rate it is highly likely that most of us don’t have great examples of what an outstanding relationship looks like.
Ok, so let’s get back to how to fix this problem of knowing what to do when she says one thing and feels another.
- Know she is scared- the battle is within her and she probably doesn’t know it.
- Remember she is not a man – different currency feelings not facts.
- Think – what is she feeling? And trust your gut.
This is how you go from hitman to hero for her. Know that if you can be her rock and not think but feel into what your gut is guiding you to do you will solve her problem and become her hero!
Now ladies if you want him to be your hero or maybe you have come to the conclusion that there is a better way. Well, I am here to tell you there is and here it is
Ask yourself these 3 questions:
- What do I really need? – love, attention, security?
- Is this behavior getting what I need? I bet it’s a no, then breathe and give yourself a moment, and walk away.
- Forgive yourself, learn and do something for you that fulfills the needs that you identified in question one. See, the best source of all of these needs are from you. Expecting it from someone else is setting yourself up for failure. Don’t do that. Just stop it.