In this article, I am going to walk you through why CEOs or successful entrepreneurs keep making the same mistakes over and over again in relationships.
Who am I talking to?
You know who you are, the repeat offenders. Married 2-3 times or have had 2 or 3 long-term relationships and they always end an absolute mess! You vow you would never ever go there again and then sure enough a few years later you are back there. In fact, sometimes you even go back to the same woman and/or wife!
Is this speaking to you? You know who you are.
Listen I am not here to name and shame. That is not what this is about. It is about stopping you from making the same mistakes. It’s about giving you the awareness of the road you keep driving your Ferrari down at high speeds blindly.
Ok, so some of the next bit is going to be brutally honest so buckle up or get off the highway and out of the driver’s seat. Basically, if you can’t take the truth stop reading now and keep doing what you are doing and getting the same results.
For the rest of you buckle up you are in for the ride of your life- Dimple just sat in the passenger seat – right next to you. Let the driving lesson begin.
The first question we need to ask ourselves is:
Who are we blaming?
Are you using language like…
‘she friggin gets under my skin?’
‘She manipulates me?’
‘she has really really hurt me!’
‘she makes me so mad!’
If this is you, check-in – Are you at cause or effect?
Who is driving your Ferrari right now and why are you letting them drive your car?
Nobody, I repeat nobody should be driving your pride and joy that you have spent years building. This is your Ferrari of life! Your heart. Your soul.
Now that we are aware of who is in the driver’s seat let’s back up a bit and ask question number 2.
Why did you get out of the driver’s seat and let them take over?
This looks like the relationship is great at the beginning – you are in complete control. She is so happy to be lead and for you to take the lead. You feel like a man. You are cruising at hyper speed on the highway. The views, the wind blowing in your hair! She looks beautiful and smiling. It’s perfect just like a movie.
Arrr! Suddenly you hit a roadblock – aka kids, family, friends, fight. You swerve the car. You are a little shaken and she feels it. She gets scared and try’s to help you feel safe by taking the wheel. You resist and say ‘it’s ok I got this babe’ And you handle it. You take a different route, not the one she would have taken but you decide. She settles in and you continue the drive! (footnote it may not be a Ferrari when you first start and that’s okay even if it’s a Fiat Panda as long as you are still in the driving seat.)
So this continues over and over except each time she tries even harder to take the driver’s seat and this wears you down. Until you get so exhausted you just hand over the keys!
Boom, game over may as well hand over the family jewels.
She didn’t physically get you out of your seat. She doesn’t have the strength to move you. You gave it up with your own free will. Now, I know that you are thinking well it was easier than keep being told you are going the wrong way! I get it.
Let’s pause before we move on from this point to establish what lessons we have learnt here.
- Take radical self-responsibility for your actions. She didn’t physically remove you from the drivers seat you did.
- Being at cause rather than the effect is a position of power and from this place can we start to understand our mistakes and learn from them.
Ok so now you are cool with the idea that you got out of the car and handed her the keys aka balls you’re ready for question number 3.
Why did it come to that? That was the only choice?
Well honestly it’s down to 3 things:
- Over programming/role models from our parents on how we do relationships. Remember 50% of marriages end in divorce and so 50% have come from that being our standard.
- We don’t understand why she is asking to take over. We assume our solution from our point of view resulting in making up false stories- that ‘she doesn’t believe I’m man enough to drive and take care of her!’ This is not her truth.
- We become overwhelmed with the responsibilities, exhausted with the effort and give in to something we think she wants.
So what is the solution?
How do you stop making the same mistakes and stay in the driving seat of your car as you upgrade it throughout life?
Here is the lesson. Are you ready for it?
It is my heart model. For those of you who are familiar with my work I like acronyms, they help me remember.
H – Honest– be honest with yourself, ask your gut what is the right thing to do, and do that. Not the easy option which is to please her.
E – Get an education – Men and women are radically different. So, learn about the differences. You will be very surprised at what you find. Basically, stop thinking she will respond like a man.
A – Articulate the truth – communicate your truth and listen to hers.
R – Resolve any past grievances. It’s the past you can’t change it. Draw a line move on.
T – Try new things, don’t be afraid to do something different, a new solution equals a new outcome.
This is a simple framework that can be used for all relationships in life and will also help you stay in the drivers seat if your own car without losing the fun and freedom of life!