I happened to stumble into a great conversation on Clubhouse on Sunday morning! Arrgh, who else is addicted to damn Clubhouse!? It is like a drug. You know the second before you enter – the tunnel of doom you might be about to go down – prepare to commit to hours of connection and energy-drain if you are not careful!
Anyway, I took a deep breath and entered the tunnel of infinite possibilities and as I wandered through the hallways – of course looking for my friends and familiar faces – not really paying attention to the title of the rooms (that’s how I roll in life actually, people first then titles) I spotted a room that – initially – only vaguely caught my interest, of course, the universe always places me in exactly the right place for what I need.
Oh wait, look, my friend, branding and marketing consultant James in the salmon top. Yes he always has cool rooms. I hit enter.
The conversation was being curated by the incredible James. His ability to not only hold the energy of hundreds of people but to guide and navigate the conversation with humility and humor is truly a gift and a skill I have never seen demonstrated with such class and speed. I had no idea what I was in for.
People were speaking of their experiences and sharing the life hacks that they have learned that switched them from losers to winners. Well not quite, but you get the gist. People dropping life hack bombs like trust your gut, consistency, resilience – some incredible stories. And then it happened.
Now, just to set the story straight I am not a sports-watching kinda gal. I would rather play the damn thing than watch it. I had never really understood why men like it so much, that is until I started to study men obsessively for the last 6 years. Believe me, when I say I become obsessive with studying human behavior – every opportunity is a chance to learn. In fact, my hubby and I often ‘discuss’ his feeling of being a Guinea Pig. Bless, it can’t be easy living with me.
This whole thing about games, tactics, competition and scoring points is that they are deeply held drivers that are innate in men to succeed in providing or ‘bringing home the bacon’, so it makes sense that sport ticks so many of their carnal needs.
After some time of moderators and speakers sharing their thoughts, it is time for the main event which is a ‘Mid-Morning Masterclass’ keynote from a former international sports star and world cup winner. ‘Introducing the one the only Coach Gurthro’; everyone is going mad with excitement as James reads all his accolades. Still, no clue who this guy is, but James is a trusted source of information, so I go with it. Not really got anything else pressing on this Sunday (other than no kids at home – romantic Sunday morning with Hubby. He’s disappeared upstairs – he thinks I don’t know that he is on his iPad, Gents she knows.) I settle in, “let’s find out what I can learn about human psychology from this Rugby guy then”… I was listening at the same time as wondering how long I can get away with being on Clubhouse for!
Well, this guy is a world champion Rugby player and now an expert coach – he starts to speak! The first thing; ‘rugby is a hooligans game played by gentlemen, football is a gentleman’s game played by hooligans.’ Ok so now he has caught my attention.
As someone who works to optimise the performance of top-flight executives and hugely successful CEOs, anywhere I hear the term gentlemen and I am all ears.
The first thing that struck me is that this guy is an international award-winning athlete and you would have never have guessed it.
His humility as he talks of his journey.
His love for his mother – referring to himself as a Mummy’s boy.
His biggest value being family, but how he learnt that the hard way, along the way.
During his keynote he used his journey through rugby to really demonstrate his core values; core pillars he believes that all men should live by.
I will come to what they were later.
During this article, I will attempt to gift some of the amazing quotes and concepts that Coach G empowered me with on this non-coincidental meeting.
The first was when spoke of one of the powerful questions that he uses for himself and to coach others when making decisions in life. The use of powerful questions – a simple but very effective strategy – how often are we aware of the questions that run in our subconscious mind? ‘Why is she behaving like that?’ Or ‘ why does she drive me mad?’
These questions are powerful, why? Because they lead us down either a rabbit hole or a gold mine.
Being aware and choosing questions that take you to gold is definitely my preference i.e. ‘what must she be feeling to behave that way?’ Or ‘ What is it in me that is causing me to be triggered by her?’
Now these questions are gold questions, why? Because:
- They take courage to ask and cause you have to dig deep within yourself to find the answers
- They require you to take radical responsibility for your own actions, feelings and thoughts and therefore your outcomes.
- You upgrade your life and standards (something Coach G also mentioned, which we will come onto later) and stop going round and round in circles.
Ok, so now you understand why powerful questions are so important, let’s get back to Coach G’s powerful question.
‘What was the source of the problem?’ Not ‘What is the problem?’
And here is why his question is a powerful ‘gold’ question – because he doesn’t focus on the problem but what is underneath the problem.
See, the ‘problem’ is just the surface. It’s a symptom not the cause of the disease if we were to look at it like a doctor.
Men in particular, focus on problems, it’s the way their brains are wired, but this is where the challenge with that focus lies; the ‘problem’ is just the symptom. So by solving the ‘problem’ you don’t actually heal the issue/disease resulting in a cycle of remission and regression.
How that looks in a relationship is fight, makeup, same fight, makeup and same fight and make-up. Sound familiar?
The only problem is that because you never heal the disease (aka the source of the problem) the disease becomes deeper and deeper rooted. Until there is no treatment other than the death of the relationship – and in some cases the humans involved in this draining cycle.
The next thing that Coach G talked of was his fuel; what drove him to seek the source of the problem, which ultimately resulted in success. Now let’s look at this: he is a world class, top of his league athlete and pro coach, so one might take a guess that his fuel would be winning, surely? Reaching the top of the league. The fame. The fortune. Right?
Well, it was fascinating to learn that was most definitely not the fuel and actually half of the 2 hour conversation was taken by a subject you would never have thought was worthy of such a huge proportion of air time.
What Coach G shared was not only riveting for the men but had the ladies hooked too… ‘What drove me was feeding my family!’
This is a powerful Prince stage (if you are not familiar with the life cycle of a man – read my article named The Real Reason Bill and Melinda Gates are Divorcing)
He then went on to say when asked how he managed work and family particularly his wife with his crazy schedule he said, ‘well I didn’t but what I learnt is now what I use to help others when coaching corporate teams aim to see things from their point of view, through the lens of compassion. He has the most beautiful sentiment around what it takes for everyone in the household of peak performers ‘you don’t realise what your family is sacrificing!’
If you’re one of my growth-focused, entrepreneurial high achieving readers, maybe read that sentence again!
One would have thought a world cup winning Springbok would come in to focus on all rugby talk – and I was honestly thinking I would stick it out for an hour max! Well, not only was I glued, but my hubby (who is a super-successful multiple CEO himself) had to stop his fave hobby – hiding from the wife while he pretends to be busy playing candy crush – as Coach G’s subject and vibe had my man sat right next to me commenting and listening. Now just to help you guys understand how monumental this is. This is like him getting into bed with my lover, the guy I am having an affair with – you know, Mr Clubhouse.
And finally, Coach G gifted us with 4 pillars of success that he swears by:
- Self-image – ie health and fitness
- Family and relationships
- Life and career
In that order.
You see whether you are an international award-winning Athlete or a normal guy on the street succeeding in life the fuel is the same providing for family and relationships. Primal instincts.
Finally in answer to my own powerful question (remember the powerful questions mentioned above) that I got to ask Coach G in the room ‘What core values do you live by that will help any men in the room today?’
What he dropped next was felt by every man and appreciated by every woman in the room.
It was just 3 words: