Power or Pain? What’s Your Flavour?

It’s exhausting, especially in relationships. When you are in your third decade of a relationship like I am, you start to wonder is it worth the pain? My hubby and I were talking about this last night. Our marriage has been one of the most volatile, challenging and expansive experiences of our lives. 

What I am about to share hasn’t been shared before, is profoundly personal and makes me feel very vulnerable. I share it not to talk about me and my relationships but to help you understand that whatever I talk about, I have learnt, not just with textbooks but through living the pain and the power. It is only through learning from my ‘mistakes’ that I can help others. See, there are two types of mentors and coaches – those who have read about it and those who have lived it. I mean, I know I would want business advice from a coach who is a few steps ahead of me and has the successful business that I strive for, not the one who knows all the strategies but never had a successful business. 

So why is it so important to have been through it? When you support someone through it, you know and feel their pain, passion and power. That collective energy that you feel from that mentor is the magic that takes you to the next level. Think about it: how many strategies, books, and courses have you bought and never implemented? Right? You can have them all day long, but the truth is it’s the magnetism of someone who has been there, got the t-shirt and can guide you through. They know all the pitfalls when you feel like giving up and what will get you through it; step 22 of the book won’t give you that, which is what gets you through it. 

So here we go, the conversation that happened between my hubby and I just last week. 

I had a dark day. I call them my shadow days when I just couldn’t shift my mood. (Yes, it happens to the best of us). How I manage them has evolved over the years, and they don’t last months now, rarely a day. So in the evening, we sat having a deep and meaningful conversation (we both sigh when this happens – you know the type of conversation!)

When he said, ’How exhausting this process is, he asked himself several times whether it is worth it. All the energy and effort and I didn’t notice.’ 

Well, you could have hit me with a sledgehammer was my first reaction, and then it happened! I agreed with him. See, this is what happens when you are brave enough to speak your truth, standing in power and not focusing on pain. 

Now, I am sure many of you are thinking, if the expert can’t get it right, then there is no hope for us, right? Well, here is the thing I believe I am sent these tests to go through, so I grow through them to teach them. However, it was this conversation that made me realise,

‘What if I was attracting the pain all the time?’ 

What if I was so focused on the next challenge for me to grow that I had become addicted to pain? That I was calling it in. Was I looking for it and expecting it? What if I had all these years decided that pain was the number one ingredient for me to be successful? 

Can you relate to that? How often have we been told ‘no pain, no gain?’ or ‘you have to work hard to succeed in life?’.

What if we are addicted to using pain as our fuel for growth and success?

I certainly was growing up in a refugee minority group; I was raised to think all the odds were stacked against me. But, as a Woman, Indian, refugee family and the truth is yes; you have to take action. And yes, you do have to have focus and drive, but who said it had to be painful and challenging.

See, the problem is that we often get addicted to waiting for the next fight in our relationships. We are waiting for them to fail or mess up. We get used to the presence of pain, so the thought of its absence can be scarier than the actual pain. What if we didn’t expect to react to her tone in the way we do? What if the meaning we put on that look (I know you know the one) did not have to mean pain? What if that look was an opportunity for you to stand in your power? To be her hero. What if all these years, the very signals we had associated with pain were the universe’s way of allowing you to rise in your masculine power? 

Let me demonstrate – last week when I gave him that look – he took that as here we go again and disappeared. She needs space. Now that look for me was a cry for help; I am fighting with my inner demons. Please rescue me. Don’t leave me. 

How often are we missing the opportunity to stand in our power? What if we took a moment to: 

1. Stop focusing on pain and expecting it?
2. Ask instead of assuming? 
3. Choosing power over pain?

When we shift from growth to power, rather than pain, when we decide that this situation is a chance to be decisive rather than sit in pain, OMG, does life start to change? Here is why.

You start to focus on what is going right, not wrong. You begin to feel more freedom and peace than you could believe was possible. All because you shifted your focus from pain to power. Best of all, the universe starts to give you more power than pain, so you collapse time and speed up your success in nano time. All while you work ‘hard’ in power, not pain. 

What are you choosing today? Power or pain?