I am going to help you not only understand why this is familiar and that you are not alone in feeling all of the above in your marriage/relationship. I will also reveal both the male and female perspectives to help you understand both sides of the story, because this is the first key to unlocking the communication problem.
This is designed for couples in long term relationships or marriages with children. All I ask is that you don’t skip the bits that are about your partners because these are the bits that will really start to shift the lack of communication in your relationship/marriage.
I have worked with hundreds of couples and they all say one thing when I ask them what the biggest roadblock is in their relationship/marriage.
Communication or lack off.
The ladies always say they feel resentment and frustration because they constantly give to everyone with very little in return. Believe me, I know this feeling, having spent years feeling as though it was all on me. To raise the children, to earn money, to run the house, while my hubby was out all day doing god knows what!
I felt like why is he spending hours on shit that doesn’t bring home the bacon when he could be at home helping me with the million things I am juggling!
Does he not care? Am I not worth his time? Even worse I have provided these children and he gets to be free and I am tied to them and everything else! Honestly, it is not that I don’t love the children, I just want him to at least acknowledge my efforts and spend some quality time with me.
Sound familiar ladies?
(Gentlemen this is what is going on in her head in response to your behaviour. Not blaming you just illustrating the facts for her. Her truth, not yours.)
And now for the gentlemen’s point of view.
I know I am not a man but I have studied for years now men and their behaviours.
I know now that at the same time that I was going through all the above my husband was in the exploration phase of his development. This phase is also referred to by Alison Armstrong as the Knight phase, for more info on the life cycle of a man check out my book.
It is during this phase (that I was completely oblivious to when he was going through it) that he was feeling a huge drive to find his niche, his thing that he could be successful in, not for himself but to provide for the family. I remember recently having a conversation with my man and him describing this phase as a huge desire not only to figure out his purpose but because there were more mouths to feed, i.e. the new children, resulting in an even more unexplainable drive to work even harder!. He was often left feeling unappreciated and disrespected when he came home after a hard day’s work. Resulting in him finding it more rewarding to be at work.
See communication in a relationship is not just about the words we use but understanding all the problems described below:
To summarise the problem:
- Both of you are striving for the same end goal, freedom, connection and respect but are on parallel railway tracks. Co-existing in frustration and despair, wishing and hoping for a magic way to fix this to receive more compassion and mutual respect.
- Neither of you is aware of each other’s focus and drivers.
- Both of you lack the fundamental tools of speaking the language of men and women and so you both continue to talk to each other in your own languages and expect the other to not only understand but be able to communicate back to you in it.
So what’s the solution?
- Whatever you seek and desire in them you have to give first. So if you want to be heard, you have to listen first.
- Having the belief that you are both on the same team moving to the same goal just in complementary ways.
- GO learn about how to speak your partner’s language. Honestly, it is life-changing! When they feel heard and respected by you they can’t help but reciprocate. (This is a huge part of my Ladies Go First programme for Ladies.)
Know you are not alone and this can easily be solved, it just requires a little awareness and effort on your part to change you in order to get a different response from your beloved. I promise you all your efforts will be worth it!
Much love and respect
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