This is more common than you think. 

In this blog, I am going to walk you through the symptoms, why it happens and what three things you can do to combat this problem. I know it feels like you are alone, but I hope this article gives you hope. 

I write this article because for two decades in my marriage, I felt this and was the number one cause for arguments, blowouts and reason for the compounding effect of feeling lonely. 

See, the loop that continued to form was:

He would spend time with me. 

Then would go into his cave and this could be days sometimes or not without notice and I would feel the complete disconnect of his energy. Ladies, you know what I am talking about. And for those that don’t understand ‘going into his cave’ for a woman, this is when you get hyper-focused gentlemen on work, hobbies, computers or other things you enjoy doing. Please don’t get me wrong; this is not about complaining about you going ‘into the cave’ but about raising your awareness of how most women will respond and explain their hostile behaviour towards you. This is to elevate the confusion of ‘but I am working all these hours for you dear – to provide for the family!’ 

This is very true, and there is also a drive, a pleasure to this hyper-focus; otherwise, you wouldn’t put so much effort and energy into it. So it has a dual purpose. 

Also, it is important to note that a woman will feel you disappear even if you are still in the room. 

She will feel you switch focus from her to the ‘other thing’; in my case, it felt like he was having an affair with work. 

So let’s get back to what happens when you ‘disappear, disconnect, or go into your cave,’ for your wife, she starts to run old programs probably from the following combination of places 

1. Childhood– maybe she was abandoned or got lost – old wounds that haven’t been healed. 
2. Evidence gathered from life growing up if when she felt this same abandonment, perhaps in other relationships. 
3. The compounding effect of bringing these same unhealed wounds to the current marriage and them being played out over and over again. That looks like, ’there he goes again, leaving me.’ 

These are the most common reasons I have found a woman will feel lonely in her marriage even if their men are ‘physically’ with them. It’s not about them being around physically but more about them being ’emotionally’ available and connected. 

Just to note here, she doesn’t want you to give up work and only focus on her. That is not it, but more like she wants you to have constant and consistent moments of hyper-focus on her. 

So that might look like 30-60 mins a day when you have committed to being and doing with her. Attending to your marriage in the way you focus on your work and hobbies, with the same desires and enthusiasm. 

Now ladies here lies the problem, and the fundamental reason why:

1. Nagging/ critising
2. ‘Asking politely’ 
3. Ignoring them 

Just pushes them away further and leaves you feeling even more lonely. 

As women, we think that they will understand when we ask, and they don’t, and this leaves us even more frustrated and disappointed.

So what is the solution? 

How do we feel seen and connected by our men and avoid a lonely marriage? 

Before I say, let me demonstrate the flip side of what’s happening for the man. 

When your behaviour is one or all three of the above, this demotivates him because all three make him feel like he is failing in his success as a man. We feel our marriages are failing for them

It is much more personal and deep-rooted and causes tremendous pain. 

So as humans, we are designed to run from pain. 

So he will run as far as he can energetically and emotionally from this source of pain by closing his heart. And ladies, we know exactly what that feels like, right? 

So the things that we think will help, cause the exact opposite.

This is what is keeping you lonely, not his work or the ‘cave’ or that he doesn’t love you. He does. He is just protecting himself because he is feeling under attack. Now for some of you ladies reading that will trigger you!

‘Feeling attacked from what?! Me asking to spend time with me?’ Well, the answer is yes because (wait for it, take a breath, you are not going to like this) 

Who wants to spend time with a nagging, criticising and affection withholding woman? Ouch!!! 

That was a hard pill to swallow when I took a hard look at myself? 

When I asked myself the question…

‘Would I want to spend time with me?’ 

And the answer was

“NO!” 

When we can take full responsibility for our own behaviours and realise that their behaviour is in direct response to ours, we can start reclaiming our joy, happiness and power.

Now I am not suggesting that you believe it is his job to make you happy, nor is it his job to fill your ‘loneliness gap’ when I realised that I was trying to fill a void in my life with expectations from the marriage.

It’s a rabbit hole question and leads nowhere. 

A much better question is…

‘What do I need to do and be to fill this gap for ME?’

Here are just a few things you can do to reclaim your happiness and avoid feeling lonely in your marriage 

1. Stop waiting to do things together or expecting him to come up with the ideas. Plan your own stuff. For example, I had always wanted to learn salsa dance and spent years asking him to come with me. I felt hopeless because it had never happened. Then I realised I needed to just go. Stop waiting and start living for me, not because I needed to do it for him. Well, I booked the class and the minute I did. Guess who decided to come? 

2. Doing daily things that make you happy – firstly for you and then secondly for a happy wife is very magnetic. 

3. Stop expecting him to fulfil your needs. Just drop the whole ‘expecting’. You do you, and if he responds, he’s the one; if he doesn’t, you have grown apart.

This comes with a caveat. You have to be doing all the above with an open heart for YOU – not to expect him to change; otherwise, he will feel you are manipulating him, and that will make him run to the hills. 

I speak in more depth about these techniques in my Ladies Go First programme, where we dive deeper into how to reclaim your power and Magnetise Your Man. 

Please comment, like, and share this blog if you found this useful. You never know who’s marriage you could be saving by sharing. 

Thanks,

x

See I am all about equal rights for both and I believe for too long the pendulum has been swinging towards women. Growing up where domestic violence was commonplace, I get it – first hand. 

When your first childhood memory is of your mum’s blood on the walls. I know exactly how it is and I feel for every woman on the planet that has been through that! And it is wrong and this blog wants to acknowledge them and talk about when men are abused at the hands of women. 

Because here is the truth – men don’t have the same support and it is seen as a weakness when men claim domestic abuse, it is not a strength. They are seen as wimps who can’t control their women. They are shamed and told to ‘man up.’

Denied two things; truth and pride. 

In comparison, women are supported and seen as victors when they stand up for their safety and truth. 

Now this is not a blame game and some of you may think I am siding with the men but the truth is I stand for humanity and kindness to all – including men.

Here is what I have seen happening, and we have publicly witnessed it in the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard trial, women are abusing men emotionally and psychologically without even knowing it and it is much more common than you think. 

Let me explain what I mean. 

If a woman was to say things like 

‘typical man!’ or ‘he is bloody useless’ or ‘man up!’ 

She would not see this as emotional abuse because we have normalised this language and made it acceptable for women. In fact, it has been passed down from generation to generation and is almost being labelled as female empowerment. I have been part of and witnessed women sitting around a table ‘man bashing’ for fun. Naming and shaming their men for the lack of what they did or didn’t do! 

I am embarrassed to say I used to be one of those women until I realised something. 

You see, women speak flippantly. We say remarks off the cuff because they don’t penetrate us in the same way as a man would take it.

This is all to do with understanding the different communication methods men and women have and what would appear harmless and even said in jest to a woman can be deadly psychologically damaging for a man and lead him to numb his feelings through activities like gaming, watching tv, pornography, sex addiction, drinking, or taking drugs. All these acts done in excess are a sign of a man trying to ease his pain by numbing. It’s like a ticking time bomb! Eventually leading to men either exploding and some totally inappropriate response to the situation or straying, settling or leaving (something I go much deeper into in my book –The Roadmap to Purpose).

Ladies, we are hurting our men without even realising it by our piercing words. They cut them like daggers because of 3 reasons. This is the art of understanding men and communication. But before I reveal it I can hear some of you saying well what about us women? 

How does this help me? 

Here is how:

1. If you nail this you will have a man that is more attentive to your needs. 
2. Because it makes you feel much happier than being a moaning bitch (which is what I was and it made me miserable.)
3. When you know this you can’t go back because then you become a conscious abuser and you are guilty and can’t plead unawareness. You can’t undo what you know. 

Are these good enough reasons to grab your attention? 

Here are the three things that happen to men when we make flippant remarks about men:

1. They think absolutely logically and literally and so your words are taken as truth. 
2. If they choose you then you hold the power and a great responsibility because your words run the deepest. 
3. Criticism for men hurts as deep as neglect does for us! Full stop. 

These are just the facts. 

Now you know you can’t go back. Every time you criticise or call a man names, you now know the impact. You become an abuser. Sounds harsh but it’s the truth. 

Ladies, we have a huge responsibility to mind our words because they can be just as painful as a physical punch in the gut!

Every single woman I interact with is destroying their men with their words and they don’t even know it! 

Before we start I want you to understand that this blog is written in service of women and men. It will trigger many of you and I want you to sit with the trigger. All I ask is rather than blame me for the trigger – ask yourself a better question:

• Why is this triggering me?
• What is it about me that is hurt by this? 
• What do I need to learn? 

Here is why. 

If you blame me you will never learn anything. You will continue to be unhappy in your relationships and be clueless as to why. 

Because I am guessing you are reading this because deep in your heart you are unhappy with your man and the way he is with you. He feels like a bit of wet lettuce or you are frustrated with the constant disconnect or distance. Him pulling away and possibly the pleaser and yes man he has become. The lack of decision making? 

Do you ask yourself constantly – why can’t he make a bloody decision? Come on man up! Grow a set! 

You may not be saying it directly to him but are your feeling it? 

I can guarantee if you are feeling this no words are needed – he is feeling that from you and he has no clue how to fix it. He is going as you are deeper and deeper into the black hole of loss! 

So do you keep doing what you are doing to ‘fix ‘ him? 

Are you getting the strong, attentive and connected man you desire by doing this? 

100% NO! 

So why do we keep banging our heads against a brick wall? 

Stop it! It hurts! 

It hurts you, and him and your children in the long run cause they learn that this is normal behaviour in a relationship and it is not.  

Ok, so what is the thing that YOU are doing probably every conversation with your man that is crushing him and making him feel so small because believe it or not our words have the strongest power over men and we manipulate men with them. 

We use them as a weapon and we don’t even realise it. 

Our words on a man cut deep in their hearts. It’s the equivalent of being completely ignored and neglected by our men. It for them literally feels like abuse to them and we don’t even know it. 

Imagine a man beating a woman and him being completely oblivious to it and denying all knowledge of it. 

That would be horrific right? 

Well because men’s and women’s brains are designed differently and nobody tells us this. We don’t study it at school we learn behaviours from women who are in protection mode. You may have been raised by a single mother or come from a dysfunctional family or a woman who was suppressed or a father who was dictated to by a strong woman. 

We pick up all our social norms in our primary years and build on them. 

Here is why a woman in ‘protection’ mode especially unconsciously (most of us are living our lives in this mode and not even aware) does this more than ever because deep in our psyche we know men are physically stronger than us and our power is in our words. So we use them like a knife.  

How many times have you criticised your man and noticed his shoulders drop? He appears like a little boy. Defeated and hopeless. It’s the biggest turn-off! Yet he can’t win. If he does it his way it’s wrong and if he doesn’t do it it’s wrong. He will be criticised either way! 

When all he is trying to do is make you happy! 

See when I found this out it blew my mind. 

Healthy men’s main goal in their relationships is not sex (yes they like and want that) but how often does he say to you ‘I just want to make you happy!’

Take a moment and think back- how often? 

A lot right.

He wants you to be happy. That is his measure of success. If he is being criticised by you that tells him he is failing and not enough! Major major problem. You will never ever, ever magnetise the man you once had by criticising him. It will move him further away from you and you will promote the pleaser in him! Guaranteed. 

Take it from a woman who tried it for two decades. 

Here is why we do it cause we want to ‘help’ them be better. 

The problem is they didn’t ask for help, we presume they are broken and that they are incapable of doing it ‘right.’ 

Just read that back. Can you imagine living with someone who assumed you needed help and that something was wrong with you and you can’t get anything right? 

And so they constantly ‘corrected’ you!

How would you feel? 

Eventually, you would feel defeated and powerless. 

You would become co-dependent and exhausted with trying to make the right decision and always being wrong. 

Ladies, I love you and I want the best for you and your men and so I say this with love stop criticising your men. It is not helping them. 

It is actually hurting them. 

Honour them with praise for the effort they are putting in to making YOU happy. 

Forgive yourself for not knowing and take action now today praise instead of criticising and watch how your man is magnetised to you cause he feels he is winning. 

This is just the surface of the many things I help you to achieve success and happiness in your relationships. If you want to go deeper with me then Magnetise your Man masterclass is the perfect way to give you even more!

Everything changed for me when I decided that I could magnetise my man. 

• I was worth my happiness and love, and I want more. 
• I deserve more. 
• I desire more. 
• I am amazing. 

I just got to figure out a way to be that girl again but a 2.2 version of her. 

I’ve got to decide that it can happen again for me if he has done it once. 

So what happened next was wild! And has been the journey of the past five years. 

I thought it would be ok if I could just get him to see where ‘he was going wrong’ and ‘fix him’. 

We would be ok! 

Boy, was I wrong? 

I took/dragged him to a guru (Tony Robbins) to fix him! 

Boy, was I in for a ‘treat.’

See, I thought the moment Tony asked me to stand up; he would defend me and tell my hubby why he was wrong and what he could do to improve the marriage. Because, you see, I was the ‘A’ player-coach. I knew it all, and I was perfect! 

🤦🏽‍♀️

I couldn’t have been further from the truth. 

In that two-hour intervention with Tony, when Tony tore me down, I realised that I was equally responsible for our breakdown in the marriage.

I had caused many problems in trying to help and fix them. 

Because I had realised that I had put my map of the world on him and expected him to respond like a woman. The truth is he is not a woman. 

He is a man. A man that I fell in love with for all his beautiful qualities! Kindness, generosity and family values. 

So why had I spent two decades trying to change him??? 

Because guess what had happened? 

• He changed – the only thing is the more he changed, the more he repulsed me! 
• The more unhappy and less connection I felt in our marriage. 
• The more he stayed at work. 
• The more he became disconnected. 
• The more lonely I felt. 

Help!!!! 

Someone help me help him! 

That was the problem right there!

I had thought he was the problem, and the truth was I was the problem in thinking he needed to be improved, and I was the one that was going to be fully responsible for him becoming the man he, (nope), I, wanted him to be. 

This illusion that the movies give you of the “perfect couple.”

Romance in Paris with the Eiffel tower in the background, flying in private jets, and having a six-pack! 

This is not real, nor is it what most of us want. 

We attract our partners because we hold the same values and remain with them, unless we misalign as we grow, and then we leave. 

The problem that I had realised was that in changing him, I was moving him away from his values which were also mine! 

Double self destruct!

So only I could fix this problem. 

• Through learning. 
• Through acceptance and forgiveness. 

All of it. 

This is why I developed my heart model 

• H – Honesty 

• E – Education 

• A – Articulate 

• R – Resolve 

• T – Test new waters. 

This blog describes how I came to the truth first. It starts with her ladies. 

If we continue to blame our men for our failing marriages and do not accept responsibility for our part, then we are basically to blame for the death of the marriage. 

I know a lot of you are screaming “what about him!?”!

You can keep going down that path if that is you, and nothing will change. Or you can decide that you hold your power. So stop giving it to him and start taking control of you and your emotional needs instead of expecting him to change to fix them. 

Because I guarantee the moment he changes, it will never be enough. There will be something else and something else, and you will never be satisfied. 

Find satisfaction in yourself first! 

And watch how he responds to a beautiful, happy, powerful, and satisfied woman just because of who she is, not what her man does for her! 

It’s a whole new and different vibe!

I had tried everything. 

• Speaking directly 
• Asking for what I want 
• Screaming 
• Shouting 
• Throwing plates 
• Silent treatment 
• Withholding affection and sex. 

The lot! 

And he still chose work over the family and me. It was like nothing else mattered. 

My whole world could be crumbling, and he wouldn’t even notice! 

That was my life. 

I felt like I had two choices and no voice And neither felt great. 

Leave him or stay. 

Here is what I have learnt since then. 

I have mastered the art of feeling fully heard and seen in a way that lands for me, and I don’t have to ask him! 

Can you imagine?

It took years and years of learning, understanding and rewiring. 

But yes, ladies, it is possible to magnetise your man after 20 years of marriage. My only regret is I didn’t learn it sooner. 

Love is so complicated, and men are so difficult to understand. 

We get frustrated at why they would do the crazy things like tease and pick fun at the most inappropriate times. 

Or they completely ignore you and then ask you again. 

This is not a man-bashing blog, but more of a get where you are, and there are more than two options for you.

The problem is not many ladies like to hear, nor do they want to do the third option. 

I was one of those women until I had exhausted all the other options. 

And I didn’t want to repeat history with someone else. 

That was a big breakthrough when I realised that if I were to leave my hubby, what are the chances I wouldn’t end up in precisely the same position with another man? 

And worse still, wishing I was still with my hubby. 

See, lack of love is never the issue! 

The issue is a lack of knowledge and courage. 

One of the things that was the game-changer for me was three things. 

1. I can’t change him. 
2. He is responding to me. 
3. If I change, I have a chance that I will be happy. 

There is a caveat with 3 – I first started changing cause I thought if I changed, that would make him change, and I would be happy. 

Nope, it doesn’t work like that because if you are in a relationship to get something, you are setting yourself up to fail! And I mean big time fail. And here is why. 

Your happiness relies on someone else! 

You can’t control someone else.  If you need someone else to make you happy, you will always feel a lack of happiness – The key to your happiness comes from you. 

The change must be for you to be happier, not for him to change. 

That is conditional love! 

So the question then is, how do you have happiness and connection in your marriage? 

Here is the gold!

1. Change for you 
2. Love unconditionally 
3. Be the change you desire 

Finally, give because you want to give, not because you to want to get in return.

It’s not the words but how we in today’s society are defining the word ‘kind’ and the meaning we are putting on the outcome. What I have found working with many men and women over the years and now high net worth individuals is that kindness is often mixed up with ‘pleasing’ resulting in a very different outcome and feeling. 

Let’s unpack this for a moment because I believe you can have a win-win in any competition with kindness not pleasing. 

In modern-day society, half of us are raised by single parents and the majority of these parents are female. Resulting in a growing number of men lacking full time great masculine role models. What happens here is men are starting to develop the ‘pleaser syndrome’ and mistaking it for ‘kindness.’  

Let me explain why the two are very different. 

Pleasing is when you go against your gut instinct to avoid conflict and to be liked and in service of you, not the receiver. 

Pleasing’s outcome is to be liked and avoid conflict with the result being inauthenticity for all and a lack of trust for the receiver of the communication. Pleasing is driven by like.

Kindness (true kindness) results in honour and truth and the receiver respecting the communicator even if they are uncomfortable and challenged at times. It is in service of both the receiver and communicator. Kindness is driven by love.

One requires bravery, courage, and knowing who you are, and speaking it for the greater good of oneself, the receiver and all. The other is when one lacks inner security and confidence and requires others to value and validate them and therefore seeks to avoid conflict and being disliked. 

You can love someone and show kindness by being ‘cruel/tough’ for the benefit of all. Pleasing is just pushing the can down the road for another day and results in the problem being compounded! 

I believe GARY VEE was correct and you can create a win with kindness in a competitive workplace, however, this takes a certain level of self-awareness, confidence and courage when executed for the greater good of all!

You can be loved and not liked but can you sit comfortably with that feeling? 

Great men and women will become, they know their truth – honour, love and respect.

I am going to help you not only understand why this is familiar and that you are not alone in feeling all of the above in your marriage/relationship. I will also reveal both the male and female perspectives to help you understand both sides of the story, because this is the first key to unlocking the communication problem. 

This is designed for couples in long term relationships or marriages with children. All I ask is that you don’t skip the bits that are about your partners because these are the bits that will really start to shift the lack of communication in your relationship/marriage.

I have worked with hundreds of couples and they all say one thing when I ask them what the biggest roadblock is in their relationship/marriage.

Communication or lack off.

The ladies always say they feel resentment and frustration because they constantly give to everyone with very little in return. Believe me, I know this feeling, having spent years feeling as though it was all on me. To raise the children, to earn money, to run the house, while my hubby was out all day doing god knows what!

I felt like why is he spending hours on shit that doesn’t bring home the bacon when he could be at home helping me with the million things I am juggling!

Does he not care? Am I not worth his time? Even worse I have provided these children and he gets to be free and I am tied to them and everything else! Honestly, it is not that I don’t love the children, I just want him to at least acknowledge my efforts and spend some quality time with me.

Sound familiar ladies?

(Gentlemen this is what is going on in her head in response to your behaviour. Not blaming you just illustrating the facts for her. Her truth, not yours.)

And now for the gentlemen’s point of view.

I know I am not a man but I have studied for years now men and their behaviours.

I know now that at the same time that I was going through all the above my husband was in the exploration phase of his development. This phase is also referred to by Alison Armstrong as the Knight phase, for more info on the life cycle of a man check out my book. 

It is during this phase (that I was completely oblivious to when he was going through it) that he was feeling a huge drive to find his niche, his thing that he could be successful in, not for himself but to provide for the family.  I remember recently having a conversation with my man and him describing this phase as a huge desire not only to figure out his purpose but because there were more mouths to feed, i.e. the new children, resulting in an even more unexplainable drive to work even harder!. He was often left feeling unappreciated and disrespected when he came home after a hard day’s work. Resulting in him finding it more rewarding to be at work.

See communication in a relationship is not just about the words we use but understanding all the problems described below:

To summarise the problem:

1. Both of you are striving for the same end goal, freedom, connection and respect but are on parallel railway tracks. Co-existing in frustration and despair, wishing and hoping for a magic way to fix this to receive more compassion and mutual respect.
2. Neither of you is aware of each other’s focus and drivers.
3. Both of you lack the fundamental tools of speaking the language of men and women and so you both continue to talk to each other in your own languages and expect the other to not only understand but be able to communicate back to you in it. 

So what’s the solution?

1. Whatever you seek and desire in them you have to give first. So if you want to be heard, you have to listen first.
2. Having the belief that you are both on the same team moving to the same goal just in complementary ways.
3. GO learn about how to speak your partner’s language. Honestly, it is life-changing! When they feel heard and respected by you they can’t help but reciprocate. (This is a huge part of my Ladies Go First programme for Ladies.)

Know you are not alone and this can easily be solved, it just requires a little awareness and effort on your part to change you in order to get a different response from your beloved. I promise you all your efforts will be worth it!

Much love and respect 

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It’s exhausting, especially in relationships. When you are in your third decade of a relationship like I am, you start to wonder is it worth the pain? My hubby and I were talking about this last night. Our marriage has been one of the most volatile, challenging and expansive experiences of our lives. 

What I am about to share hasn’t been shared before, is profoundly personal and makes me feel very vulnerable. I share it not to talk about me and my relationships but to help you understand that whatever I talk about, I have learnt, not just with textbooks but through living the pain and the power. It is only through learning from my ‘mistakes’ that I can help others. See, there are two types of mentors and coaches – those who have read about it and those who have lived it. I mean, I know I would want business advice from a coach who is a few steps ahead of me and has the successful business that I strive for, not the one who knows all the strategies but never had a successful business. 

So why is it so important to have been through it? When you support someone through it, you know and feel their pain, passion and power. That collective energy that you feel from that mentor is the magic that takes you to the next level. Think about it: how many strategies, books, and courses have you bought and never implemented? Right? You can have them all day long, but the truth is it’s the magnetism of someone who has been there, got the t-shirt and can guide you through. They know all the pitfalls when you feel like giving up and what will get you through it; step 22 of the book won’t give you that, which is what gets you through it. 

So here we go, the conversation that happened between my hubby and I just last week. 

I had a dark day. I call them my shadow days when I just couldn’t shift my mood. (Yes, it happens to the best of us). How I manage them has evolved over the years, and they don’t last months now, rarely a day. So in the evening, we sat having a deep and meaningful conversation (we both sigh when this happens – you know the type of conversation!)

When he said, ’How exhausting this process is, he asked himself several times whether it is worth it. All the energy and effort and I didn’t notice.’ 

Well, you could have hit me with a sledgehammer was my first reaction, and then it happened! I agreed with him. See, this is what happens when you are brave enough to speak your truth, standing in power and not focusing on pain. 

Now, I am sure many of you are thinking, if the expert can’t get it right, then there is no hope for us, right? Well, here is the thing I believe I am sent these tests to go through, so I grow through them to teach them. However, it was this conversation that made me realise,

‘What if I was attracting the pain all the time?’ 

What if I was so focused on the next challenge for me to grow that I had become addicted to pain? That I was calling it in. Was I looking for it and expecting it? What if I had all these years decided that pain was the number one ingredient for me to be successful? 

Can you relate to that? How often have we been told ‘no pain, no gain?’ or ‘you have to work hard to succeed in life?’.

What if we are addicted to using pain as our fuel for growth and success?

I certainly was growing up in a refugee minority group; I was raised to think all the odds were stacked against me. But, as a Woman, Indian, refugee family and the truth is yes; you have to take action. And yes, you do have to have focus and drive, but who said it had to be painful and challenging.

See, the problem is that we often get addicted to waiting for the next fight in our relationships. We are waiting for them to fail or mess up. We get used to the presence of pain, so the thought of its absence can be scarier than the actual pain. What if we didn’t expect to react to her tone in the way we do? What if the meaning we put on that look (I know you know the one) did not have to mean pain? What if that look was an opportunity for you to stand in your power? To be her hero. What if all these years, the very signals we had associated with pain were the universe’s way of allowing you to rise in your masculine power? 

Let me demonstrate – last week when I gave him that look – he took that as here we go again and disappeared. She needs space. Now that look for me was a cry for help; I am fighting with my inner demons. Please rescue me. Don’t leave me. 

How often are we missing the opportunity to stand in our power? What if we took a moment to: 

1. Stop focusing on pain and expecting it?
2. Ask instead of assuming? 
3. Choosing power over pain?

When we shift from growth to power, rather than pain, when we decide that this situation is a chance to be decisive rather than sit in pain, OMG, does life start to change? Here is why.

You start to focus on what is going right, not wrong. You begin to feel more freedom and peace than you could believe was possible. All because you shifted your focus from pain to power. Best of all, the universe starts to give you more power than pain, so you collapse time and speed up your success in nano time. All while you work ‘hard’ in power, not pain. 

What are you choosing today? Power or pain?

I have recently coached some men who have had many broken relationships or marriages, and the one pattern I have noticed with all these men is that the lack of commitment is just the symptom. The problem is not a commitment but a fear of abandonment. 

That sounds counterintuitive, right! 

Hear me out. If you are a man who self sabotages every relationship- i.e. there is nothing wrong. It’s just going well, and then all of a sudden, you get cold feet and start thinking thoughts of 

1. Is there something better? 
2. Is this it? 
3. I am not good enough for this lady. 

It’s usually a combination of any one of these things. 

So let’s unpack this. 

I have realised this phenomenon by working with hundreds of successful entrepreneurs, particularly men. They aren’t even aware that they have abandonment issues. 

Now let’s think about this: if 50% of marriages end in divorce, then it is highly likely that at least half of the population is being, and has been raised by one parent, usually the mother, and if present, the father, is part-time. Now, this is not bashing fathers. It occurs for several reasons, from the courts favouring mothers’ rights to fathers just leaving. There is no one to blame, just facts of the current situation. 

So if 50% of marriages end in divorce, it is likely 50% of children could have deep-rooted subconscious beliefs relating to abandonment. This leads to;

1. Men that abandon their responsibilities, who can’t commit. 
2. ‘You are not meant to be with one person forever!’ mindset.
3. The fear of abandonment is so intense that they leave before being abandoned because everyone eventually goes. 

I see these patterns increasingly with my clients, and, sadly, these beautiful men are throwing away incredible relationships and opportunities for love and freedom. Yet, see the very thing they seek – freedom is the same thing they don’t believe is possible in a relationship. However, what is misunderstood is that the ‘trapped feeling’ is not a result of the women but ‘the perception that a man can’t have freedom in a relationship.’

Can you see how ‘f***ed up’ this is? 

It’s no wonder that good men are ending relationships for no reason, and even they can’t explain it, but the fear of abandonment has much greater leverage than the fear of the unknown. The unknown being

 ‘What if it is possible to have freedom in a healthy relationship?’

You can decode all the history in your family lineage.

See, the subconscious mind is responsible for 95% of our thoughts, beliefs and actions! So let me land this plane – that means that most of our beliefs, opinions and activities we do on autopilot. We are blind to it. 

Gentlemen, most of you are walking around unaware that this fear of abandonment is even a thing for you and it’s the very thing that is keeping you abandoned and lonely.

Here we go – remember to breathe. 

‘I am so confused’ is something I hear men tell me all the time. 

‘Well, she said she wanted space. So I walked away and gave her space.’ 

‘Then she screamed at me for walking away! I can’t win!’.

Sound familiar?

Well, I am about to reveal why and what you should do. 

Women don’t say what we mean but feel what we mean. 

I know this makes no logical sense, and you are right. It doesn’t. If a man said, ‘I need space.’ That is exactly what he needs, right? Logical. 

The first thing you need to understand is that men and women have different currencies regarding love and how they communicate their needs. 

They have a completely different operating system. Men base their communication and decisions on facts and constantly look for the facts when they are listening to establish the problem and solve the facts. Job done. The whole point of communication is to solve the problem. Right? 

That is entirely correct for men, but it is not for women. When you can stop expecting your woman to communicate like a man – through facts, that is when you start to understand her needs, then establish the facts and solve her problem, not the one you think it is. It’s like going on her journey and you taking the road you decide based on what you perceive to be the place she wants to go and then wondering why she is pissed when you get there, and it is not the place she wants or the route she would have taken. You then wind up very confused because she said that is where she wanted to go! Fact! 

Let me reveal why 

Her currency is feelings, not facts. 

She may say something but feels something very different. So your next question is, how do you know what she wants then? 

If she says space, what does that mean? 

Doesn’t she want space? 

Well, precisely that. 

Go beyond the words. 

Switch your man brain to neutral and listen for the feelings. 

You access this information through your eyes and heart. 

What I mean is you take a breath and look into her eyes. 

You put your hand on your heart, turn your ears off and feel. 

Connect with your gut instinct – this is very difficult when you feel attacked. It takes courage and practice. Hence the breath! It takes you from your head to your heart. Helpless to her hero.

If you can go beyond your feelings and tap into hers, three things happen:

1. You grow in your emotional intelligence 
2. You get on her path and are much closer to solving her problem. 
3. She can’t resist a man who can feel her and see beyond her words. You will become a hero to her. 

See, the truth is if she is screaming or silent or distant, these are all signs of a fight, freeze or flee. These are automatic human responses to what? 

You guessed it, FEAR. 

She is scared. 

We develop fears from our thoughts from the past, childhood and experiences. She has likely triggered a thought process that has caused her to be scared. She thinks of something outside of her. However, the truth is the fight is within herself. It’s her battle with her thoughts that she can reason through in a calm state. But in this fear state, she can’t. Let me give you an example: my childhood was domestic violence. My first childhood memories are of my mum’s blood on the walls. My dad’s raised voice to me meant danger. Then, I associated any man’s raised voice as danger. So when my husband raised his voice, I assumed danger and went into protection mode. 

The truth, the facts, is that my husband raised his voice when he was passionate, not when he would attack. So the story and meaning that created neurological wiring in my body were set from my father. It was hard-wired over and over again with years of my childhood. Of course, this is an extreme example, but for many women and men, the story can be as simple as your mother or father shouting at you one day for running into the road and trying to keep you safe. But at that moment, you decided that shouting is dangerous and hard-wired in your nervous system. 

When we are unaware of this wiring, it can control and trigger us in adulthood and let’s face it, with a 50% divorce rate, most of us don’t have great examples of what a great relationship looks like. 

Ok, so let’s get back to how to fix this problem of knowing what to do when she says one thing and feels another:

1. Know she is scared- the battling within her, and she probably doesn’t know it. 
2. Remember, she is not a man – different currency feelings, not facts. 
3. Think – What is she feeling? And trust your gut.

This is how you go from hitman to her hero. Know that if you can be her rock and not think but feel into what your gut is guiding you to do, you will solve her problem and become her hero!